When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
