i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
