So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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