It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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