If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
