we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
