There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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