I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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