Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
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The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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