you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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