I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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