Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
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Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
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Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
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