'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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