Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
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I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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