my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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