I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
