The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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