Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
