I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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