You smell like a Billy Joel song
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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