Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
