you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
