I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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