i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
