my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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