It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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