I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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