Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
