What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I'm passing your future prison.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
