the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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