I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
