Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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