i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
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