I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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