My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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