This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I need mimosas to revive my soul
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
