the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
