omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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