I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
