You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
