I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
