So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
