Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
