It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
