I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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