I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
