my phone needs a breathalizer
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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