his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
