when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
