i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
