as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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