Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
