I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
