I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
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"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
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I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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